For days. No, for weeks. No, for a year now, you have been on my mind.
I used to lie awake at night and think of you. Just you. If I awoke in
the middle of the night, it was because I could not dream of you and had to awake to ponder you. To ponder you and me.
Of course, there was no you and me anymore. Just me. Not you. You had moved on. I had not.
Mornings were tough. I couldn't get out of bed. I just had to think
about you. Would today be the day that you decided to speak to me? To come back to me? To change your mind and be with me?
Day after day I tortured myself with the thought that you would. You might. You should. But you didn't. You never did.
You said you wouldn't and you stuck to that.
My salvation, the interaction on the computer, was now my punishment. You were there, but you weren't there anymore. You were just within reach, but you were never reachable. You were the crack dealer to my cocaine habit. But I had no currency. At least no currency that you wanted. Not anymore. I had no value to you anymore.
I had to be on the computer all the time. But all the time, mindful that you were there, but not there..for me.
You had invaded all aspects of my life, and you removed yourself but I never removed you. So you were still there. I went for my walks. My other salvation. The place where I got new thoughts. New ideas. Where I gathered my thoughts and ideas into something I could use for my work.
But now, all my thoughts were of you.
Could I get you back? How would I get you back? If I could get you back, do I want you back? Do you really want me back? Am I losing my mind?
Have I lost all pride in myself?
Those were not productive thoughts. I was just wasting my energy at this point. Circular thinking that led to nothing of any substance or clarity. But it didn't stop.
I could go for a day, sometimes two, and then just think I had it
licked. I was over you. You were out of me. But then you weren't. I was back lying in bed, thinking of you. Thinking I missed something.
Thinking you were just missing something and it would all work out. That you would realize we were better as us than you were just being you without me. But then, I never could grasp that there never was an us, you never saw it that way. There was just you and just me and then there was just you. No me.
As time passed, I had my moments where I saw glimmers of hope and got sucked back in to the thought, no, the foolish hope, that there would be a you..and me. An us. But they were fewer. Time had taught me to give it up. Others came and went, and you seemed less alluring to me. Sure, if you had said at any point that you had changed your mind and we had a future, as an us, then I would have jumped. But you didn't and I let it go. Day by day. I can't even remember when the actual time was that I just stopped caring. When I stopped thinking of you as that person I had to have. It just sort of happened and now I come to the point where I just don't think much about you anymore.
Of course, I will always think about what could have been, but I don't miss not having it. My mind has settled on other things. And you, yes you, always knew that would happen. Good for you for letting me get to the place I needed to get to. That is probably why I loved you so much.
Only you would know to do what you did so I could be me again.
When I think about that, it makes me want you again.